My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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