I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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