Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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