I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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