One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
