You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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