Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
