First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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