dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
