she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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