I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize