i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
