Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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