Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
