proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
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Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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