Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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