dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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