Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
