what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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