When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
