I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
