i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
