Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
