my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
