im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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