Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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