Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
