whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
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At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
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Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize