I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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