Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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