If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
