I showed him my bush... on skype.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
