I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
