I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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