She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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