if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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