I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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