I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Randomize
