I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
