I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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