I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Randomize