fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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