they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
