do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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