If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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