The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
