I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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