She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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