where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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