worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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