u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
i believe in u and ur pee
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
