What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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