i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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