is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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