he thought i was a dude.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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