Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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