he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
