We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
