I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
