well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
