I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
wow bdsm is so cute
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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