Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I am one with the molecules
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
