You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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