I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
